Sometimes I really hate you guys. Especially when I have to read dreck like this week's selection. There are other words I would use to describe the two books this week--a Star Wars novel and a Warhammer Fantasy novel--but they would summon Elder Gods and I don't like to do that on vacation.
Zaragoz
Brian Craig
Zaragoz is book one in the Tales of Orfeo trilogy by Brian Craig. From what I gathered, it's the adventures of a musician/storyteller named Orfeo. That's all I know. Because this book was horrible.
Right away, I had a baaaaaad feeling. The main character (Orfeo) is incredibly egotistical. In fact, Craig makes a point of saying "He had no shortage of those. [Strength and cunning.]" Not to mention, Orfeo is a rogue with a heart of gold. THAT'S a new one... (Yes, I am aware of the hypocrisy, given that I write a character who is a corrupt mercenary with a heart of gold.) Also, our roguish minstrel's name is Orfeo. As in Orpheus. As in the legendary Greek musician that tried to free his wife from Hades through music. I don't think Orfeo can hold up to that legend.
Carrying on the theme of bad writing, Craig describes Orfeo's wrists--chafed from being in chains--as "very sore." Now, maybe that doesn't sound too horrible from my description, but trust me. After a few pages of descriptions like that, you get annoyed. There's other general pillocky-ness. "Straitened?" Who uses that word? I'm a writer, and I barely know what that means!
Craig's writing grates on me. I must return to an old description: Like Tolkien without the majesty. It's just stiff. And I hate it. Not to mention he overuses the word "which." The plot is painfully obvious as well.
Oh, Orfeo, our roguish minstrel with a heart of gold? He's a human raised by elves. Elves. This is a Warhammer novel. No race fully trusts any other. And no elf would raise a human brat. Nope. I was gonna let this slide, but then I realized something: Craig plays fast and loose with Warhammer canon. The man goes so far as to state that Chaos doesn't exist.
Let that sink in. Chaos doesn't exist. In a Warhammer novel. Now, maybe you don't grasp the significance of that. Let me explain: Warhammer is about the eternal struggle between humanity, other races, and the forces of Chaos. You can't have Warhammer without Chaos. You just can't.
Know what? I quit. This is a trilogy. I made it 45 pages into the 900-page first book. Plot, characters, writing, canon, everything is horrible. Don't waste your time.
Krunk's Kornor: This book am HORRIBLE! KRUNK AM HATE IT WITH THE FURY OF CROM'S FLAMING RAGE! KRUNK AM HATE STUPID BOOKS LIKE THIS! THEY AM GIVE KRUNK RAGE-HEADACHES! AND KRUNK NOT LIKE RAGE HEADACHES! GRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
The Courtship of Princess Leia
Dave Wolverton
From the title, and what I grasped of the plot, TCoPL (that's what I'm calling it) is about Han Solo wooing Leia away from a creepy alien prince. That's all I know.
Oh. Oh sweet King in Yellow dancing upon a cocaine-laden razorblade suspended from a zeppelin by licorice strands... This...this is as bad as Twilight. Yes. That bad. THAT BAD.
Soppy, cliche-ridden drivel. That is all I can see. Make it stop. Make it stop. Make it STOP. MAKE IT STOP! STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT.
Krunk's Kornor: *rocking back and forth* Not real not real not real not real not real not real not real. Han am ask C3PO for romance advice. No. That am not typo. Not real not real not real not real not real. Writing mediocre. Cliches everywhere. Characters not canon. Not real not real not real not real not real. *curls into fetal position.*
(No, really. It's this bad. Here, read this review. How this poor woman managed to finish the book, I don't know. But she can articulate the horribleness that is TCoPL far better than I can. )
