Sunday, January 11, 2015

Backlog Blitz: NES, Week 10, "Indiana Jones and the Awful Games"

No, that isn't a clever title like last week. But I'm not a clever man. So it all balances out, right? RIGHT? Please validate my pathetic, mewling existence. I'm so lonely. It's cold here in Minnesota. Cold and barren, like my emotional life. One time I thought I saw a puppy, but it was just an illusion. Ice madness. And now I'm about to play Ice Climber. How fitting. It's as if I'm making these intros up! Naaah, can't be.

Ice Climber
I…I thought it was Ice ClimberS? Anyway. I’m not super impressed here. This isn’t particularly challenging, aside from awful jump controls. Yeah… I mean, it's a game?

Ikari Warriors
Wow. This is a “good” game? A top-down shooter with unbearably clunky controls, where I play as “Totally-Not-Rambo-No-Ma’am?” Meh. I’d rather play Contra. Seriously, though. No 8-direction shooting? Or at least no FLUENT 8-directional shooting? In a game where enemies don’t come down in nice neat rows? THIS SUCKS.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (Taito)
Well. I can’t get past the start screen, sooo… At least I finally found the screenshot key? That’s a plus? (Yeah. It took me like a month of using this emulator to realize it had a screenshot key. Again. Not a clever man.)

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (Ubisoft)
I hate to say it, but the Taito version that crashed at the title screen had a better version of the Raiders theme. Oh, and guess what. This game opens with a whip-free Indy in a level made from graphics that make the GameBoy look cutting-edge. The NES supports more than TWO COLORS! Also, the first level is basically unbeatable. At least it was for me. And everything is so clunky. Also why is Old Indy in a scene that featured YOUNG Indy in the movie?

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
This. What. I don’t. What just. Ack. The layout makes no sense. It’s a semi-isometric platformer where the platforms all look to be on the same plane and I… Cthulhu would think the architecture here was a bit incomprehensible. Look at that screenshot. Those platforms are suppose to be above other. That is the side of a cliff. I think I suffered SAN loss playing this.