Sunday, January 4, 2015

Backlog Blitz: NES, Week 9, "Ain't Nothin' But G-Thangs"

I know, I know, I'm the person least qualified to make any sort of rap reference. Whatever. Anyway, I'm finally back from Georgia, floating in the hiatus between Christmas break and resuming work. So I played video games. Read about them and their awfulness. They are awful. Terrible. Grotty. Gross. Gangrenous. Other words starting with "G" in order to force this theme even further. Because I always take jokes too far. I'm a jerk like that.

Gargoyle’s Quest 2: 
The Demon Darkness
So this is Castlevania meets Ninja Gaiden if you played as gargoyle. Except, you know, rather than the awesome Gothic setting of Castlevania and the great controls and platforming of Ninja Gaiden we get Castlevania’s controls with Ninja Gaiden’s wall-cling tacked on awkwardly. The controls are painfully clunky, which would be bad enough, but enemies materialize too close to dodge. We’re talking split-seconds away from you, far too close to fire off your flaming breath shot. Boo. 

It helps if games load. Technically that screenshot should just be a black screen, but that would be lame. 

Gauntlet 2
Gauntlet with worse graphics and a nasty screen-tear issue that made me nauseated. That is all.

Ghosts N Goblins
I’m bad at Castlevania. How do you think I did here? The controls are okay, though lack of a crouch in a game where you often end up ABOVE enemies’ heads but they can still hurt you is…Bleh. Also, if you’re going to make some gravestones be background art and others be obstacles in my path—but not the zombies’ path—MAKE THEM EASIER TO DISTINGUISH YOU MORONS. I can definitely see a proto-Castlevania vibe here, though, which I appreciate. 

Early bullet-hell SHMUP sidescrolling at its finest! I love the music, the powerup scheme of risk versus reward, the graphics (Even though trees in space make no sense). I do wish the controls were nimbler, but oh well. Can’t have everything. This is a ton of fun. 

The Guardian Legend
Wut. This can’t be right. No sane top-down shooter would scroll this fast. I literally can’t shoot fast enough to survive. It’s like a bullet-hell shooter, but instead of tons of projectiles, there’s only a few but you don’t have time to dodge. This has to be a problem with the ROM or the emulator. No way this is right. Also, apparently the Guardian is a well-endowed girl in a bikini who transforms into a spaceship. Wut.