Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Consider the Walrus: A Salesman's Monologue

Consider now the walrus. Why, you may ask, the walrus? The walrus, my friends, is a sadly overlooked household fixture. Many are those who pay no heed to their walrus, save to toss it an occasional dish of scraps. But I say to you: The walrus is a versatile beast!

What, you now ask, can a walrus do? Many things, my friends, many things.

Do you lack a can opener? A walrus’ tusk, properly sharpened, will do the job! Do you require a place to store notes? Pin them to your walrus’ blubbery flank!

But these things are only the beginning of the functions of a walrus! Has the neighborhood been struck with a rash of break-ins? Your home, if guarded by a walrus, shall never be touched! The fearsome bark, colossal size, and protective temperament of the walrus will keep burglars at bay!

Do your children plead and mewl for a pet? A walrus, properly trained, makes an excellent companion. Their bulk makes an superb playground for little tykes, and a comfortable seat for older children.

Does your garbage disposal bill mount ever higher? A walrus, with its all-devouring appetite, will take care of that problem! And walrus dung will provide the answer to your barren garden!

Are you aged? Do you fear that you will fall and lie helpless for days on cold cement floors? The solution, my friends, is a walrus! These clever beasties can be trained to dial emergency numbers, and even speak simple phrases!

And if the end times come, and you require sustenance, walruses make delicious eating! Their blubber can be used for light, and their bones for simple tools.

To receive a brochure about walruses, write to 1400 Walrus Way, Walrus Bay, Alaska, 60606! Affordable pricing—payment plans available! Shipping and handling free if you order within the next 30 days!