Saturday Morning Oneshot (On Wednesday!): My Horse Is Amazing

This was a one-shot between "serious" games. It was my first time running a game and...yeah. Before this there was a VERY SHORT game of Hunter: The Vigil. We aborted it, since…well… Let's just say that the session ended with Nick practically having an aneurysm, and my character snorting vampire blood in order to "track" the vampire. Yeah. Unfortunately, all the specifics of that were on voice chat, so there is no textual record beyond a mention of the shenanigans later in this week's logs.

With a "skeleton crew" of only myself, Zac, JJ, and Jackson, we decided to run a one-shot game. Which meant that I scrambled to bash several premade games into one 1-2 hour session. Surprisingly, it only took me about ten minutes.

Cast of Characters

Greg: Me, obviously. I ran the game.

JJ: As apparently a half-elven, half-Russian fighter.

Jackson: As a dragonkin of some sort.

Zac: A mage, I think?

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Greg (GM): Long ago, during the reign of the Emperor Haius the Magnificent (and Obese), the name of Agellar was spoken throughout the land. Some of this knight-politician reverently, others as if he were a sick joke played upon them by the Emperor. Agellar was known for his glittering Coat of Diamonds, an impenetrable suit of armor gifted to him by the emperor. When Agellar died, he was buried with his armor in a small tomb on the Plains of Agander, to rest there for all eternity.

Greg (GM): The merchant finishes his spiel and turns to the three of you. "Well, what say ye?" Will ye seek out the Coat of Diamonds? I shall make it worth your while."

Jackson: "Yes. This coat shall look good upon my back, if only for a short while."

JJ: *In a female Russian accent* "Worth our while you say? Then there shall be vodka for us tonight, da?!

Greg (GM): The merchant frowns. "I would not wear the coat, if I were you, dragonspawn. It is not known what magics protect it. As for you, foul-blood, you shall have your vodka."

Greg (GM): He mutters to himself. You barely manage to catch his words. "Working with these scum... How low have I fallen." He straightens up. "So, you have agreed, then? You will take my offer?"

Zac: Scum? I don't like being called scum. You're talking to the wrong mutt here.

Jackson: "Fine by me. Let us seek out this coat. You had better make this worth our while, peddlar."

Greg (GM): "Oh, it will be worth it..." The merchant turns and disappears into the early dawn mists. What will you do?

Zac: "Blasted peddlers... I hope we aren't getting the short end of this sham."

JJ: "Der better be vodka when I get back, foul breath. Or there will be consequences!"

The Group: Jackson wonders if keeping the diamond coat would be an option. I remind him of the curse. JJ chants "vodka" over and over.  

Greg: Suddenly, you notice an ancient, tattered map where the merchant had been standing.

The Group: After a surprisingly intense discussion, decide to follow the map.

Greg (GM): The map seems to indicate a tomb, which, as the merchant said, is in the middle of the barren plain. Only scavengers and exiles live there.

JJ: "Der is Vodka at the end of this, comrads, we go for the shiny coat or I shot you in the asses!"

Jackson: "This looks like a delicious frosted pastry walk. I say we go for it"

The Group: "Did someone steal your sweetroll?" jokes. Hey. Screw those guards. Sweetrolls are delicious.

Greg (GM): You travel for several days, following the map into the heart of the plains. Soon, you have left all civilization behind.

Jackson: "Cyka blyat. We're out of vodka..."

JJ: "Yuck. I hate wild animal. Der so uncivilized and- WHO DRANK ALL DA VODKA?!"

Jackson: "You did. Last night."

Greg (GM): By late afternoon on the ninth day, you reach the tomb. It is a broken-down thing, a bare shell of its former glory. The dark, gaping enterence…entrance, enterereance (LASKJD:ALSKDJA:LSDKJ) looks ominous, but the area outside is open to attack. What will you do?

JJ: "ONWARD TO SHINEY SWEATER VEST COMRADES!"

Greg (GM): As you climb the steps to the temple, something crunches ominously beneath your boots. Skulls and bones litter the outside of the tomb

JJ: "Hmm... Someone didn't kleen up after demselves."

The Group: Various rasping sounds as they draw their weapons.

Greg (GM): It's dark inside the tomb. Too dark to see anything, in fact. However, you hear vicious growling, and red eyes glare at you from the inky blackness.

Note: You'd think that would have hinted that they should go light torches. But nope. Just wait for it. Count how many times I mention "darkness" or "you can't tell in the dark" or "you can't really see." I later learned to just roll with it, but this was back then. 

Jackson: "Egads, what is that?"

JJ: "'Ello doggy, doggy *Notches arrow*"

Greg (GM): (You ASSUME that's a doggy... After all, it's dark.)

JJ: "Dog, cat, Vicious monster. Dey all look the same to me... Plus I may still be a little drunk from all da vodka."

Greg (GM): The eyes begin to circle you, closing in. The growls intensify.

JJ: "In motherland we have saying: Shoot first, DRINK VODKA LATER!" *I fire arrow at the beast*

Zac: I throw knives at the beasties.

Greg (GM): Your arrow flies true, striking between one set of glowing eyes. The creature yelps and retreats. Or at least that's what you think. You can't really see in the dark.

Greg (GM): However, the others are enraged and the glowing close in tighter, circling around you in the darkness. Zac, your dagger narrowly nicks another beast. It howls in pain and charges. The beast's comrades follow suit. What do?

Jackson: "DEFENSIVE FORMATION, NOW!"

The Group: Various hacks and slashes and arrow shots.

Greg (GM): JJ, one of your arrows misses completely. You hear it bounce off stone walls somewhere in the darkness. However, your other arrows impales a beast in its throat. Jackson, your sword hacks cleanly through one beast's neck, guts a second one, and cripples a third. Zac, your short sword impales one of the beasties through its skull.

Greg (GM): Zac, several snarling jaws are deflected by your armor, but two inflict minor damage. The last beast, however, is larger than the others and more cunning. It latches on to Jackson's throat and begins to worry at him.

JJ: I shoot at the beast on Jackson's throat, hoping I'm not too drunk and miss the beasty

Jackson: I begin to frantically attempt to shove the beast away

Greg (GM): JJ, in the dark and the thrashing conflict, your arrow completely misses the beast and impales Zac in the torso instead. Jackson, you manage to unclamp the beast's jaws and kill it with a lucky stab.

Zac: "REALLY, YOU DRUNKEN SLOOT?"

JJ: "Da, too much vodka. SORRY COMRAD!"

Zac: "You and your bloody drinks! You should burn yourself with that stuff!"

Zac: In a last ditch effort, I scramble toward the beast and try to stick it with my blade.

Greg (GM): The beasts are getting smarter--your target dances away from your clumsy blow. At a howl that seems to be a signal, the beasts retreat away from you and form into a tight huddle.

Zac: That idiot shot me!

JJ: "You're fine, it looks to just miss yer bells and whistle!"

Greg (GM): What will you do? The beasts appear to be on the defensive now, but anything could trigger them. And in the dark, you still don't know what they are.

JJ: I use my Splintering Shot against the huddle of beasts.

Note: Splintering Shot is basically a hollow-point bullet. It expands and fragments inside the target.

Greg (GM): Your arrow misses the huddled beasts, but hits something nearby and explodes into the pack. One creature howls in the darkness, and the pack charges again as one.

The Group: Combat stuff. Pretty standard. It gets boring describing this, okay?

Greg (GM): Zac, your sword and dagger rip a beast's belly open. The creature collapses with a whimper. Jackson, your sword nicks a beast, doing little damage. JJ, one of your arrows flies through one beast's heart and into the eye of another creature. Another arrow cripples a third beast.

JJ: "BWAHAHA, BYE BYE BEASTIES! Now if only der was vodka left to celebrate with."

Greg: The remaining beasts attack. One manages to impale itself on Jackson's outstretched blade. The second bites down on JJ, causing minor damage through your armor. The third...goes for Zac and chomps deep into his thigh.

Zac: "ARGH! WHY?"

JJ: I stab the beast biting me with one of my arrows. "BEGONE FROM MY SIGHT FOUL ANIMAL!"

Greg: JJ, your arrow manages to pierce the beast's side. It releases you.

Zac: I use Deep Cut to try to sink my dagger in the beast's throat.

Greg: Zac, your dagger cleanly decapitates the beast. It falls, the last of its pack. However, you are now bleeding out in a dark tomb. Outside, the last rays of light are fading. What will you do?

Zac: Any healing supplies, you dirty maggots?

Jackson: I use some of my shedded hide and wrap it tightly around the wound

JJ: "Da, is waste of good alcohol but it looks like I still have some vodka to disinfect the wounds"

Greg (GM): (...Just a thought... You're in a dark area. With no light sources besides the fading light outside. You may want to make torches. Or something.)

Greg (GM): You all succeed in staunching bleeding and disinfecting wounds. The room you are in is too dark to see anything, however. What will you do?

JJ: I light some torches and look through our supplies.

Greg (GM): As your flickering lights illuminate the tomb, you notice several things. At the end of the tomb is a massive statue of a horse and rider. It appears to have an inscription on the pedestal, but you cannot tell from this distance.

Jackson: I walk up and read it.

Greg (GM): As you walk toward the statue, you notice long troughs on each side of the room. A steady trickle of water moves through these troughs.

JJ: I kick one of the dead beasties, making sure it's actually dead. "Bloody wild animals"

Greg (GM): The creature flops leadenly. In the light, you recognize it as an emaciated wolf. Jackson, the inscription appears to be in an archaic script. You can't read it.

Note: In hindsight, I screwed up here. Jackson's character had a background which mentioned an interest in archaic lore. He should have been able to read this. Instead, I prodded for JJ to check. I'm an idiot.

JJ: "Heh, knew it was a doggy."

Greg (GM): (JJ, doesn't your char like obscure lore?)

JJ: Let me take a look.

Jackson: (Mine does too)

Greg (GM): You recognize some--but not all--of the words. "...he...carried...army...more...than...other... I....Haius...offer...salute. Rest peacefully...my...old..."

JJ: "Bloody hell, why can't dey ever write these things legibly!"

Greg (GM): Aside from the door back out of the tomb, there is only one way out of this room. A small door to your right seems to lead into some sort of living quarters.

Zac: "Hehe, the master suite, eh?"

The Group: Enters the "master suite."

Greg (GM): The room is filled with furniture and dust. Lots of dust. The atmosphere is stifling

JJ: "Hungry wolves on the outside, room badly needing maid on the inside."

Zac: "Master suite isn't very impressive..." *kicks dust up*

Greg (GM): Suddenly, a strange breeze kicks up. Dust swirls around you. When it settles, the room is clean. A strange voice echoes in your heads. "Intruders! Have you come to help me clean?" The accent is foreign to you.

JJ: "Depends, were da wolves outside pets o' your's?"

Jackson: "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS" I thunder

Greg (GM): "Nay. Those beasts arrived after the bandits raided this place."

Greg (GM): Jackson, you feel a stabbing pain. "WHAT SORCERY? I AM THE ONE WHO QUESTIONS THAT! TRAPPED HERE ETERNALLY TO CLEAN A BLOODY TOMB."

Jackson: "I BOW TO NO ONE! HAVE THE RUSSIAN BE YOUR MAID. SHE IS MORE ATTRACTIVE"

JJ: "I ONLY WORK FOR ALCHOHOL, DIMWIT! But in dis case I think it be more in our favor if we help cleaning spirit, instead of angering it"

Greg (GM): "This is acceptable. There may be some reward if you clean thoroughly enough."

JJ: *throws DW a broom* GET CLEANIN' DRAGON BOY!

Jackson: "Well FUS RO DAH to you!"

Greg (GM): "Nay. Ye shall all clean. YE SHALL ALL CLEAN! CLEAN IT ALL CLEAN IT ALL CLEAN IT ALL CLEAN IT ALL... clean up clean up everybody everywhere clean up clean up everybody do their share."

Jackson: "I REFUSE"

JJ: "Do I need to miss again and hit YOU in the torso this time?!"

Greg (GM): "CLEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN OR DIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE"

Zac: Guys, guys, keep it together, don't be too hasty. We don't want to get this spirit's panties in a bundle...

Jackson: "We do not want to, under any circumstances, rustle his jimmies"

Greg (GM): "MY JIMMIES WERE CHOPPED OFF BY BANDITS. NOW CLEAN! AND ENTERTAIN ME WHILE YOU DO!"

Zac: "Entertain? No reward is worth this..."

JJ: "VODKA IS COMRAD, VODKA IS!"

Greg (GM): "I MAY HAVE A SUPPLY OF VODKA SOMEWHERE..."

Zac: Maybe we should break a bottle of vodka over her and light her with a torch! It'll server her right for putting a bloody arrow in me!

JJ: "WASTE VODKA?! YOU SPEAK HERESY COMRAD!"

Note: Everyone had various commitments coming up, so I started trying to push them through a bit.

Greg (GM): The ghost sighs. "YOU ARE NEVER GOING TO CLEAN, ARE YOU? FINE. IF IT GETS YOU TO LEAVE, HERE'S HOW TO ENTER THE TOMB: TWIST THE HORSE'S HEAD. THERE ARE TRAPS. NOW SHUT UP! SHUT UPPPPPP!"

Jackson: "AHA. IT WORKED!"

Zac: FOR THE LOVE OF ALL HOLIES THANK YOU, SPIRIT.

JJ: "Great, great, great now where the vodka?!"

Greg (GM): "THERE WAS NO VODKA FOOL! I'm...I'm just lonely..."

JJ: *Sigh* Fine. Let's get da bloody thing to da bloody merchant. *Mumbles about vodka*

The Group: With some ungentle prodding from the ghost, figure out that you're supposed to pull the head off the horse. Also there was something with the grooves in the floor and water or something I dunno. This was literal years ago and these notes are awful.

Greg (GM): The horse's head creaks as you twist it, then falls off into Zac's lap. Slowly, a section of floor pulls back from the statue, revealing stairs down into a dark, narrow tunnel.

JJ: *Looks at the horse's head in Zac's lap* "Well are you and your new friend coming' or what?!"

Greg (GM): At the bottom of the stairs lies a hallway. Directly ahead of you is an iron gate adorned with carvings. Runes of cursing--plague, death, awkward erections, and other horrible things. To your right is a long, suspiciously safe-looking passage with a lever at the end.

JJ: "My goddess, that is one crudely drawn dingaling!"

Zac: Left or right... One's the known evil, one's the hidden evil.

Zac: "Can't read the runes, but I see many phallic graffitis..."

The Group: Dither about which way to go, decide to try prying open the iron gate adorned with curses of erectile dysfunction.

Greg (GM): The gate does not open. However, it sends a tingle through Deemer's palm.

Zac: "I FEEL TINGLES IN MY PALMS... Awkward... sexual... tingles..."

JJ: "Goddess dammit, man. Keep dat to yourself!"

Zac: "I just can't hide it..." *smacks hand on wall*

Greg (GM): The gate is locked. what will you do?

The Group: Tries opening, bashing down, and otherwise getting through this door, until…

JJ: I use my lockpicks on the door.

Greg (GM): Your lockpicks snap in the lock mechanism. The gate begins to glow an ominous red.

Note: I swear this was in the module! I wasn't trying to screw them over! ALL THEY HAD TO DO IS PULL THE LEVER, KRONK!

JJ: "Uhoh."

Zac: *spouts various obscenities and runs fingers anxiously through hair*

JJ: "Maybe red not ve the worst curse?"

Greg (GM): The gate begins to flicker with blue flame.

Note: Okay, that bit was definitely to mess with them.

JJ: "Blu-blue flames can't ve dat bad... right?...Right?"

Greg (GM): The flames begin to flicker out, jumping to anything metal. Your weapons soon dance with the corposants.

Jackson: *observes blade* This is interesting...

JJ: "See, is only touch metal! We 'av flamey weapons now!"

Note: And this next bit was just because I was feeling trollish.

Greg (GM): The flames begin to crawl onto your skin. They tingle unpleasantly. Suddenly, the gate explodes open, showering you with bits of metal. The flames die down. The gate is now missing, revealing a hoard of glittering treasure beyond.

Jackson: "This seems too easy..."

Zac: "TREASURE--wait booby traps?"

JJ: "See, is not but flashy lights and crudely drawn junk to scare away thieves!"

Greg (GM): Inside the next room are some piles of coin and jewels, as well as an enormous sarcophagus. Atop the coffin is another statue of a horse and rider. The horse is the same, however, the rider is much heavier in this piece. What will you do?

JJ: "Heh, fat guy makes horse look small" I look around for the item we need to get.

Greg (GM): The Coat of Diamonds is not in the piles of treasure. As you search, the ghost from before reappears. "YOUUUUU JUST HAD TO MAKE A MESS... STUPID MURDERHOBOS"

Jackson: "WILL YOU STOP THAT"

Greg (GM): "WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO, SAY MEAN THINGS TO ME?"

JJ: "Vat?! We came to clean up all dis gold left on the floor!"

Greg (GM): "FINE. HURRY UP. I SUPPOSE YOU WANT THE COAT AS WELL?"

Jackson: "YES. Also can you stop with the shouting? Please?"

Greg (GM): "I AM NOT SHOUTING. YOUR PUNY BRAINS CANNOT HANDLE THE MAGNIFICENCE OF MY SPEECH. ALSO, CHECK THE COFFIN, FOOL."

JJ: "Ooh, vancy coffin!" I run over to the coffin, checking to see if there are any inscriptions on it.

Greg (GM): "WHY DO YOU FOOLS SPEAK SO STrANGELY?"

Greg (GM): There are no inscriptions on the coffin, other than one that reads "Faithful servant."

JJ: "Vhat?! Your da von shouting every thing you say... and then lie about Vodka."

Greg (GM): "YOU DIDN'T HELP CLEAN. INGRATE."

Jackson: I open the coffin

Greg (GM): Inside is the mouldering skeleton of a horse. Horse armor studded with diamonds drapes the remains. The ghost laughs at you. "DIDN'T EXPECT THAT, DIDJA? GETS EM EVERY TIME! AHAHAHAHAHAAA"

Greg (GM): "I HAVE A HORSE. MY HORSE IS AMAZING!"

Note: I kind of lost the farm here. Yeah.

JJ: "Vell, time get dis bloody over-priced horse armor (*cough* DLC *Cough*) off ov 'em"

Greg (GM): As you reach into the tomb, the skeletal horse arises and gallops towards the ghost, who mounts. "I HAVE A HORRRRRRRSE!"

The Group: Zac has to leave for work, so there wasn't much wrap-up. BUT!

Greg (GM): I...You guys were supposed to go down the other hallway...

JJ: You gave us a choice between a safe looking hallway and a door full of awkward erection curses, and we took the latter... That says something about us, doesn't it?

Greg (GM): Hey, at least you weren't trying to snort vampire blood... Or light up a blunt in front of a crowded bar. Or rob a corpse that had just been killed by a vampire… We're bad people, aren't we?

Note: Seriously, though. The riddle on the inscription was something along the lines of "In life he bore me something something" I don't remember much of it, but basically, it should have been really clear that this was a horse, and that said horse was based on that one crazy Roman emperor's horse that the emperor made a Senator or whatever. I dunno.