Wednesday, September 9, 2015

Saturday Morning Warfare (On Wednesdays!): Week Four, "Brain Glockin'!"

In 2012, I took my first steps into the world of pen and paper role-playing-games. Which wasn't really pen and paper, but rather, Skype and a PDF. But whatever. This is the story of those games. Some of the character names have been lost to time and Skype kerfuffle, so I've done my best to replace them. I've also tried to make the Skype format into a more readable experience. As with previous weeks, I removed some extraneous ("Is it my turn?" kind of chatter, while trying to leave the more "unique" and/or in-character remarks.)

This was the wrap-up of our ever-shifting group's first role-playing experience together. Things came to their inevitable insane conclusion, and we decided it was time to move on to the next story, the next mess of madness. Oh. And "You have no pants!" will become a recurring theme for my characters. I don't know why.

Cast of Characters:
Nick: The GM, and the one of us with the most experience playing RPGs. 
Greg: Me, as Commissar Gaius Galt, a political officer in charge of keeping troops from running away.
Jackson: A friend of mine, as Horton the machine-gunner.
JJ: Another friend of mine, as Stormtrooper Pollio Blackadder.
Zach: Yet another friend of mine as Dunner the Vehicle Operator.
Elisha: A friend of Nick's, as DR3DD, an Enforcer. 
Matt: A friend of mine, as Dobro the ratling sniper.

The Group: Anne Frank jokes, a discussion of the fact that all of us are deeply disturbed individuals, a discussion of the sexuality of the Greek gods, Nick and JJ wander off to play a game of the Warhammer 40K tabletop wargame, JJ introduces his new character--Stormtrooper Pollio Blackadder—jokes about polio are made.

Nick (GM): Since your encounter with the Daemon, there have been rumors going around the Catachan camp. Rumors that you're being looked for by upper Imperial Guard command, which is hardly a good sign.

Nick (GM): You're approached by a runner wearing a strange set of armor, Cadian, you suspect. He salutes you, before saying "You've been requested to go to High Command, sirs!"

Greg (Gaius): "Very well. Since I appear to be in command now...follow me, squad!" I turn my back to the runner, cupping my mouth with my remaining hand. "I hope this isn't about the servitor incident. Perhaps they can get me a new arm..."

Nick (GM): The Cadian leads you ahead to high command. The trip there is spent in silence, mourning the dead...and executed. When you arrive, you notice something that had slipped your mind before- a large ship hangs in the skyline. A strange one, bearing markings you've never seen.

Greg (Gaius): I search my mind for any times I've encountered this marking before.

Nick (GM): You notice the markings on the sides. An =][= with a skull in the center. It does not seem like good news.

Greg (Gaius): "Well, that's unpleasant. Inquisition... Dear Emperor, they found out about the servitor incident!" I steel myself. "Come on, troopers. No sense in delaying the inevitable."

Nick (GM): You walk toward the Command Tent, and see a woman in power armor. Funny, you didn't think that there were any female regiments in the area. Then you notice the golden iconography. The black robe. The way-too-tall hat.

Nick (Inquisitor Omnitrix): "Gentlemen, so we finally meet"

Greg (Gaius): I bow, using the best of my Schola training. "I believe you have the advantage of me, my lady Inquisitress."

Nick (Inquisitor Omnitrix): "Much obliged, but that's not why I'm here. You saw a Greater Daemon, didn't you?"

Greg (Gaius): "Do Greater Daemons possess throbbing bits, enjoyment of pain, and a weakness to autocannon rounds to the head? If so, yes."

Nick (Inquisitor Omnitrix): "Humor. You'll need it. I'm here to make you an...offer if you will. Be executed, or accept the offer"

Greg (Gaius): "My finely-tuned commissarial sense tell me that I should accept. However, I will leave my subordinates a choice."

Nick (Inquisitor Omnitrix): "You haven't even asked what it is... Oh, I'll like you..."

Greg (Gaius): "When given a choice between death, and what I assume is continuing service in the Emperor's name, I'll pick the second option any time."

Nick (Inquisitor Omnitrix): "Good. Report to the shuttle immediately. Stormtrooper Pollio will escort you there. Welcome to the Inquisition, acolyte..."

JJ (Pollio): "Well 'ello there muppets!"


JJ (Pollio): "Well dat may be true 'ere you come from but 'ere we come from, they're delicious!"

Greg (Gaius): "You...ingest muppets? Are...we thinking of the same thing?"

Nick (GM): Explosions begin to sound, cutting your conversation short. You hear screams. "BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD!"

Greg (Gaius): I draw my chainsword. "I killed a cultist by throwing my blade at him! The Emperor is our shield and our protector!"

Nick (Inquisitor Omnitrix): "GET TO THE SHUTTLE!" The Inquisitor screams, drawing a melta pistol. "IT'S FALLEN MARINES!"

JJ (Polio): "Wop, looks like we get to kill some cultist sods now. Tea and crumpets later I suppose!"

Jackson (Horton): "LETS GO. TO THE SUTTLE."

Greg (Gaius): "I fear no fallen Marine! I have faced down xenos, a Greater Daemon, and a rampaging servitor! The Emperor protects!" I think for a moment. "All the same, I think I will get inside the shuttle."

Nick (GM): A red marine runs through the camp, flanked by squads upon squads up cultists. He draws his chainaxe through a group of cultists, shooting his bolt pistol at you. You feel the air begin to shift. Change. You see a…bike pop out of thin air... What? Why are the wheels fire? "NANANANANANA"

Jackson (Horton): "Looks like a... ring of fire"

Nick (Doomrider): "I DO COCAINE!"

Greg (Gaius): I pause in my flight toward the shuttle. "COCAINE IS HERETICAL!"

Jackson (Horton): *quickly throws small bag away*

The Group: Mass laughter.

Nick (GM): The shuttle begins to take off, the last of you jumping on. The Marines rampage below, before a few Leman Russ tanks appear out of nowhere. As the door closes, you can barely hear the cries of "CREEEEEEEEEEED!"

Jackson (Horton): I run into the shuttle, all the while crying over the loss of my bag

Greg (Gaius): "What are those tears for, trooper?"

Jackson (Horton): "For leaving some cultists alive."

Greg (Gaius): "That's the spirit, trooper!"

Nick (Inquisitor Omnitrix): As the shuttle docks to the ship, the door opens, and the Inquisitor walks out, smirking. "So you can run, nice trait, that."

JJ (Pollio): "Well now dat that's done, who wants some fish and chips?!"

Jackson (Horton): "Running is good for bringing death to our foes more quickly"

Greg (Gaius): "Very true, trooper! ...wait, you have fish?"

Jackson (Horton): "Do you happen to have some custard as well?"

JJ (Pollio): "'Course neva' leave home with out me flailing cod!"

Greg (Gaius): "You stormtroopers certainly are prepared!"

Elisha (DR3DD): *Breaks down door* "I AM THA LAAAAAAAWWWW"

Greg (Gaius): I scramble for my boltpistol. "God-Emperor what--!"

JJ (Pollio): *Turns to new guy* Ow' 'bout you guvna? Ya' want some fish and chips?

Elisha (DR3DD): "I want JUSTICE"

JJ (Polio): "-an' chips?"

Greg (Gaius): " this what all of your acolytes are like, Inquisitor? If so, I request permission to give myself the Emperor's Mercy. I'm mad, but not this mad."

Elisha (DR3DD): "I suppose, but only if they are "JUSTchips

Nick (Inquisitor Omnitrix): "And people wonder why I like hanging around with that Commissar..."

JJ (Pollio): "Justchips and fish LAV!"

Greg (Gaius): "There's another commissar here? Is he handsome? Because, you know, being overly attractive is heretical. ...I'm...not...attracted to men or anything. That's heretical."

Nick (Inquisitor Omnitrix): The Inquisitor brings her hand to her face, before marching off. "Be ready when we leave the Warp..."

Elisha (DR3DD): "Sorry commisar, there's only room for one in my life. And that one's name is JUSTICE."

Matt (Dobro): "The lot of you are driving me bonkers!"

Greg (Gaius): "What did I say...?" I look at where my arm would have been. "Can I get a new arm? Please?"

JJ (Pollio): "Bonka's is indeed wot we a'"

Greg (Gaius): "You are from the planet Bonk-aa? Weren't they overrun by ork decades ago?"

JJ (Pollio): "Well, if yous' a talkin 'bout dos overly green bloaks. da' just stopped by for some fish an' tea and wot, wot!"

Greg (Gaius): " civilized orks? That's possible?!"

Matt (Dobro): "One of these days I'm going to end it all by dressing up in heretical symbols and insulting an Inquisitor..."

JJ (Pollio): "Yep put 'em in powered wigs an every thin'"

Elisha (DR3DD): "Isn't that against the LAWKALSFNDVBKA?!"

Greg (Gaius): "..." I draw my boltpistol and place the barrel in my mouth. "I must be dead."


Greg (Gaius): *BLAM*

Elisha (DR3DD): "I'm fining him for that."

JJ (Pollio): "WHOOOT?! Ya' mean we can't av a cup of tea, all civalized and the like?!"

Matt (Dobro): "I'm going to go insult a Space Marine."

Elisha (DR3DD): Guise, plot twist. This was all just… a dream.

Jackson (Horton): "A dream?"


Greg (Gaius): "DREAMS ARE HERESY!"

Greg (Gaius): *flops back down, dead, head missing*

JJ (Pollio): "Dat would explain my pocka dot pants an pink bunny eas!"


Elisha (DR3DD): "THE LAW"


Elisha (DR3DD): "Unless the Emperor is doing it, then we're cool with it."


Greg (Gaius): I sit up again. "AND I'M DEAD!"

Elisha (DR3DD): "Yup, that's our commissar!" *points at camera and winks*

Nick (GM): You wake up, shocked. That's the last time you play Dawn of War 6 before going to sleep. You look out the window, seeing the flying cars zoom across the megacity. Just another day in the life of a Shadowrunner... All of you.

Jackson (Horton): *Gets up and awkwardly leaves*

JJ (Pollio): *lights a cigarette*

Greg (Gaius): *reaches for bottle of whiskey on nightstand with left arm* I HAVE AN ARM! MY ARM'S BACK!

JJ (Pollio): "Bloody 'ell why do I suddenly 'ave a cravin' for fish an chips again?!"

The Group: Reads bad fanfiction over voice chat for two hours.