Saturday, September 19, 2015

Backlog Blitz: SNES, Week Three, "BADman and other Games."

Oh, hello again. Yes, I still play old video games and whine about them for your amusement. Monsters. Let's get on with it, shall we?

(Oh, yes. First week of work at my new job is over. I think it went quite well. Got introduced to the company and my immediate coworkers, they seem like cool people to work with. The duties are somewhere between what I was doing, and what I'd like to be doing in 5 years, which is great. Some added responsibility, but still interaction with people. I know just enough from previous tech stuff that I can figure things out, but also learn a ton. And overall, I'm excited! And also again: If you're in the Minneapolis area or passing through, holler at me. I'm probably not doing anything.)

Batman Returns
Wow. This is simply atrocious. It’s one of the clunkiest beatemups I’ve ever played, and that statement follows playing Alien Vs. Predator. I have never seen any depiction of Bats move this slowly. It’s like Old Batman from Kingdom Come, but with his legs in concrete blocks. The controls and movement are tanklike. The graphics and sound are decent, but not as Burtonesque as they should be given the movie this game is supposed to be adapting. This is just…Bad.

This was…This was developed by Blizzard? I guess it makes sense. Only Blizzard has the guts to so blatantly rip off Warhammer Orks. But…Suffice to say, they should stick to Starcraft, Warcraft, and WoW. Because this is awful. It’s a 2D platformer/tactical shooter where you have to move between hiding and shooting. The enemies do the same. Problem is, the enemies are either hiding or shooting, and the transition between those two is split-second. Whereas when you want to leave cover and shoot, it takes a painfully long time. The platforming is awful, too. The controls are just clunky, and to so much as run you have to put your gun away, run the length of one screen, then try to whip your shotgun back out again on the next combat screen where the enemies will start ready. It’s incredibly frustrating. Just let me sprint, please!

Breath of Fire
So many text bubbles, so little indication who’s speaking. Yep, it’s a JRPG. Unoriginal fantasy plot about Power of Dragons, check. “Awesome” but actually-cheesy cutscene of magic duel, check. Text-over backstory? Check. Light and Dark factions? Check. Chosen hero? Check. Yep, it’s a JRPG. Turn-based combat? Check. Weird D&D knockoff monsters? Check. Look, it’s a JRPG. And unlike Final Fantasy or Chrono Trigger, or a good many other JRPGS of this era, not one I particularly want to play. It just doesn’t spark any interest for me. Heh. Spark. See what I did there? Sparks make fire and… Oh, forget it.