Saturday, April 2, 2016

Backlog Blitz: Master System, Week Six, "Lord of the Snored"

So there's this local pizza chain in my area. I hate their pizza, but their garlic bread is TO DIE FOR. So I just ate a ludicrous amount of garlic bread. Mmmmmm. Kiss me, honey. *garlic breath of death* What, not interested? Let's talk about old games instead. 

Line of Fire

So this is Jackal for Mega Drive, basically. I’m pretty sure that my missiles don’t actually DO anything, just kind of fly by harmlessly. The music is rotten, the controls are sluggish, and the gameplay is devoid of excitement. 

Lord of the Sword

Wow. Not many games can claim to have this many glitches. Fish that jump out of the river and swim on land. Enemies that walk towards you then suddenly teleport into the sky and drop down behind you. A bow that can only shoot straight ahead… This game is atrocious. Even by Master System standards. The sound is terrible. The controls are terrible. The gameplay is terrible. The graphics are mediocre. Lord of the Sword? Lord of the SNORED. 

Master of Darkness

So. Guys. This is literally Castlevania, only instead of Transylvania, it’s in London, and instead of a Belmont monster-hunter you’re…Doctor Social… Ouija board practitioner? I guess? The graphics and audio are almost identical ripoffs of Castlevania, the UI is a ripoff of Castlevania, the enemies resemble Castlevania… You get where I’m going with this? It’s sad. Like… Actually sad. 


Look, I don’t even want to talk about these games anymore. That’s how atrocious they are. I’ve never heard a gunfire sound this pitiful, the combat is lame, the controls are mediocre, the graphics are sub-par, it’s not fun, it’s not innovative, it’s not anything worth wasting even the previous fifty words on. 

Micro Machines

Finally! A good game! Really, all of the Micro Machines games are quite good. Graphics, controls, gameplay, they always manage to make something fun. I approve.