Thursday, March 17, 2016

OverAnalyzed: "The Walrus"

Consider now the walrus. Why, you may ask, the walrus? The walrus, my friends, is a criminally overlooked household fixture. Many pay no heed to their walrus, save to toss it an occasional dish of scraps. But I am here to tell you: The walrus is a versatile beast!

What, you now ask, can a walrus do? Many things, my friends, many things.

Do you lack a can opener? A walrus tusk, properly sharpened, will do the job! Do you require a place to store notes? Pin them to your walrus’ blubbery flank!

But these things are only the beginning of the functions of a walrus! Has the neighborhood been struck with a rash of break-ins? Your home, if guarded by a walrus, will remain untouched! The fearsome bark, colossal size, and protective temperament of the walrus will keep burglars at bay! Take Cletus Moldrum, who halted a robbery using his combat walrus. Some claim otherwise, but the only thing capable of stopping a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a walrus—Of course, as my friend Luther loves to say, a NRA membership and a SPAS-12 don't hurt either.

Do your tiresome throngs of children plead and mewl for a pet? A walrus, properly trained, makes an excellent companion. Their bulk makes a superb playground for little tykes, and a comfortable seat for older children.  While mainstream media publishes scare stories referencing maiming and death, they don’t mention all the happy families whose walrus NEVER goes on a bloodlust-filled rampage through a daycare. And who needs a frontal lobe anyway?

Does your garbage disposal bill mount ever higher? A walrus, with its all-devouring appetite, will take care of that problem! And walrus dung will provide the answer to your barren garden! At first your neighbors might complain, but it only takes a year or two for your nostrils to atrophy.

Are you aged? Do you fear that you will fall and lie helpless for days on cold cement floors? The solution, my friends, is a walrus! These clever creatures can be trained to dial emergency numbers, and even speak simple phrases! As for those chain emails about walruses devouring their putrefying owners are pure poppycock! Why, my uncle uses a walrus to guard his mortuary, and corpses only go missing ONCE in a while!

And if the Big One falls, and you require sustenance in your underground shelter, walruses make delicious eating! Their blubber can be used for light and heat, and their bones for simple tools.

To receive a brochure about walruses, write to 1400 Walrus Way, Walrus Bay, Alaska, 66006! Affordable pricing—payment plans available! Shipping and handling free if you order within the next 30 days!